Question 1: “Can boys become girls?”
Why it feels scary:
You’re afraid of saying something harsh or confusing.
For grownups only:
If an individual is not intersex and their chromosomes, gonads, sexual anatomy, and secondary sex characteristics all indicate the same biological sex, then we know God’s intentions for the individual’s biological sex. Plus, when we know God’s intentions for an individual’s biological sex, we also know His intentions for their gender, since at creation God intended for individuals to experience congruence between their internal sense of gender and their biological sex. So when a person is not intersex but they experience gender incongruence, we know that their biological sex is as God intended but their gender is broken.
Calm First Response:
“What an insightful question! What made you wonder about that?
“God made our bodies on purpose, and our bodies are part of who we are. In our family, we believe that God meant for boys to feel like boys on the inside and for girls to feel like girls on the inside. But the world is broken, and sometimes a person has the body of a boy but on the inside they feel like a girl.
“While God never intended for anyone to experience incongruence between their biological sex and their felt gender, God isn’t surprised when people experience brokenness, and He gave us His Spirit, Scripture, and the Church to comfort us and support us. The same is true for our friends who experience gender incongruence. God desires for transgender people to seek His wisdom with the support, love, and care of His people, the Church.
Follow-Up:
Remember that your goal isn’t to stop your child from supporting a friend who experiences gender incongruence. Your goal is to help your child respond in a way that balances truth and grace. Help your child understand what Christian convictions look like around these topics without placing your child or the Christian convictions in opposition to a friend.
You could say something like, “Sometimes a person your age has a different experience of gender. They’ll have to figure out what they want to do, how they want to respond to the incongruence they feel. As Christians, we want to place ourselves next to them, to come alongside them.”
Scripture:
Genesis 1:27, Genesis 2, Genesis 5:2, Matthew 19:4, Mark 10:6
Question 2: “Why does my friend have two moms?”
Why it feels scary:
In spaces where historic Christian sexual ethics are the norm, we are not often in community with gay or lesbian parents. We’re often not sure how to respond when our child takes notice of a same-sex couple.
Calm First Response:
“Different families look different. In the United States, two boys can get married. But as Christians, we believe that Christian marriage is only between one man and one woman. Not everyone believes like we do, but because we belong to God’s family we think it’s best to follow God’s wisdom. And God, through the Bible and through the Church, tells us that the differences and love between a man and a woman in a Christian marriage are meant to remind us that we’re different from God and that He loves us completely. Married couples who keep their vows to one another are supposed to remind us that God always keeps His promises, and Christian marriage is meant to be a safe place for kids to grow up and learn about Jesus.”
Follow-Up:
Remember the Great Commission: “Go and make disciples.” Parents’ biggest kingdom work is discipling their children, but they are also called to reflect the love of Christ outward, to others who don’t yet know Him. Many LGB people have only experienced Christians as standoffish at best or hateful at worst. Consider pursuing a relationship with these two moms, showing genuine interest in them and displaying the radical love and hospitality of Jesus.
Scripture:
Genesis 2:24, Mark 10:6-9, Ephesians 5:31-32
Question 3: “Can gay people be Christians?”
Why it Feels Scary:
Saying yes feels permissive, like you might be accused of holding a revisionist sexual ethic or “being soft on sin.” Saying no feels judgmental and like too much of a blanket statement.
Calm First Response:
“Yes! People who experience same-sex attraction can certainly be Christians. Every person experiences brokenness in some way, but God still offers salvation to each of us. Gay people can and do sin, and gay people can and do sin sexually, but sin can’t break the image of God in gay people and won’t cause God to stop loving them or cause them to stop being a Christian. We know that God desires for all Christians to think carefully about sexual stewardship and to submit our relational vocation to Him. That’s no different for gay Christians.”
Follow-Up:
Have a discussion with your child about what is required for salvation: Is it only repentance and faith? Or must a person also adherence to a particular sexual ethic in order to be saved?
Scripture:
Galatians 2:15-3:29, Ephesians 2:8
Question 4: “Why does God care who I have sex with?”
Why it Feels Scary:
God seems like a killjoy at best, controlling at worst when we say God has put boundaries around sexual expression.
Calm First Response:
“God cares who we have sex with because sex is both powerful and beautiful. When sex is misused, the fallout is real and painful: sexual assault, the objectification of women, the betrayal of adultery, children and single parents carrying burdens they never chose.
“Now imagine a Creator who is all-knowing, all-seeing, all-wise, and all-good. When He looks at this world—broken but still beautiful—He knows exactly which choices will wound us and which ways of living will lead to the deepest joy, belonging, and purpose.
“If God stayed silent about something as powerful as sex, would He really be a good Father with His children’s best in mind? And if He’s given us His wisdom, wouldn’t it be unwise to shrug it off? God isn’t trying to steal pleasure or control our lives with arbitrary rules. His guidance is protective, not restrictive. Ignoring His design for sexual expression is like playing with fire.
We’re fortunate to have a loving God who wants us to flourish, and that includes caring deeply about who we have sex with.”
Follow-Up:
Talk about the connection between marriage, sex, and babies. Sex is reserved for marriage because sex leads to babies and babies are meant to be raised in safe, stable homes with both parents. Marriage is the best place for kids to grow up and learn about Jesus.
Scripture:
Genesis 1:28 and 2:24-25, Hebrews 13:4
Question 5: “Would you still love me if I were attracted to the same sex?”
Why it Feels Scary:
Is my child trying to come out to me? What if my child really does experience same-sex attractions?
Calm First Response:
“I love you. I will always love you. There is nothing you could ever say that would make me stop loving you. If you ever told me you are gay, I would tell you I am going to be here with you no matter what. This is your home, and we are your family; your attractions would not change that.!”
Follow-Up:
It’s a good idea to be prepared in case your child will be among the 5-10% of people who experience same-sex attraction. Think through how you would want to respond immediately, how you can disciple intentionally now to make sure your child feels safe coming out to you, and what conversations you want to have now about God’s love and wisdom for gay people.
Scripture:
Romans 8:38-39
